I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
