I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
