i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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