She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
