Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
