well I can't set my house on fire every night
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
