I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
