I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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