dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
