Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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