I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
