I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
