My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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