Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
