Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
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