Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
