im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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