So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize