he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
