i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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