somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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