The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I skipped work to stalk him.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
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