Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
