Umm I'm too high to move.
whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
