turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
