im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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