i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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