How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
