I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
