It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
