girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
