i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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