On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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