I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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