The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
