took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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