I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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