yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize
