1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
