my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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