I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
In America we eat man semen.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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