i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
