Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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