Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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