My cat gives me a boner
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
