Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
No more Irish car bombs ever.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
