I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
How external is "for external use only"?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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