My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
