Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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