I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Randomize
