There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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