Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I miss vodka workout Fridays
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Randomize
