As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
