We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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